I think this started with @AsToldByKatie
For a long time, I didn't want to have a heart. I shut it off on purpose, hiding it and keeping it closed because of pain I experienced as a young child that I never wanted to feel again. I acted out normal feelings, but I didn't really have them because I didn't let myself.
I forgot what it was like to really have a heart.
After a long, long time, I realized that my heart was precious. It was me; it was who God had created me to be when He formed me before I was born (Psalm 139). I wanted to open it again.
The problem? When I went looking for it, I couldn't find it. It seemed like I had done such a good job of shutting it off that it had disappeared completely. All I could really, genuinely feel any more was pain and fear.
So I prayed. I asked God to create in me the ability to love again.
That's what He's doing now--except, you see, my heart wasn't really gone. It was just buried so deep underneath anger and extreme fear that I couldn't feel it any more. I didn't know that for God to help me love again, He was going to have to open up the scabs and let the rage and terror bleed out. It hasn't always been fun or pretty.
But my heart is like Pandora's Box. Waiting underneath all the ugliness and hurt was hope--the pure, loving heart of a child. My true heart, the one God gave me when He formed me.
Today, there is sometimes ugliness, but there is also beauty. My heart is very tender and very vulnerable, but for the first time in many years, it is free. I can love unfettered. My heart is the heart of a child.
| ||Posted 9/3/2012 12:38 AM - 158 Views - 12 eProps - 14 comments|
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